Has This Happened With You?
My wife has told me on numerous occasions that she is the boss. She has told me that we are and always will be in a wife led marriage. We both acknowledged it.
But she struggles with the sexual aspect. Of being "dominant."
Yesterday I texted her "Warning. Horny husband at home. wants to be naked and help remove your shoes." A few playful texts later that's where I was. Waiting in our bedroom, naked.
She came home and held out her foot and I gladly removed her heels.
Now what?
She told me she didn't know what to do next. I told her she didn't need to do anything. I got dressed and we made dinner together.
Later she asked me for suggestions on what she should have done differently.
Are their any other couples out there where the wife is asking her husband for "ideas?"
posted by whatevershesays @ 6:58 AM
15 comments
15 Comments:
if she has a kindle, the book, "How to Control Your Submissive Boy" from amazon is a good idea. I got it for my wife. I do not know what it contains, but she seemed to like it for idea generation.
WSS - you are fortunate that your wife is "asking", or maybe unfotunate because she hasn't got the imagination herself. I am not sure which.
Try and come up with a list of suggestions that you would enjoy, but also she may enjoy, but that are not to far out there.
Having got you naked and removed her shoes, there must be several things that you could come up with.
My wife was like that the first 2-3 years. Still is occasionally, although she very much identifies as a dominant these days. It's normal. You've been thinking it for years, you read online, develop ideas. Not everyone is like that.
One thing we tried was to look online at a resource which had lots, 100 or more ideas on things a Dom can do to a sub. We spent a fun hour or so looking at the list, and she ticked off things she might like doing that I also like. I wrote them on a piece of paper that's kept in her bedside table for occasional inspiration.
Write a list of things she'd enjoy, number them, then roll some dice to determine the results. It takes the stress of being creative off of her shoulders.
I'd say my wife is more into the "Princess-y" aspect of D/s, with my being her strong knight/servant.
Although she can occasionally be a bitchy princess, she generally just prefers the pampering to the overall Domm-y kind of things.
She took her inspiration mostly from Real Women Don't Do Housework and Ms. Rika where it's more about what you do for your wife than what your wife does to you.
My wife has a hard time being dominant in bed some times, that's a big part of why we've been at a bit of a lull individually for a while, despite the hotness which continues with S. She just tends to feel a lot of pressure to "perform" in her dominant way and I don't know how to express to her it can be different.
I wrote up a list of scenes and ideas and things that she can do, most of which involved her in a dominant role but some of which were vanilla and some even included her in a submissive role. I think what's important is to let her know that if she wants to do something fun and kinky and sexy great, if she wants to (as you did in your post) get dressed and go eat dinner that's fine too -- what's key is to know that she's doing and she's getting what she wants.
I don't text enough. This is a reminder.
I'm sorry, but I'm going to ignore the question you pose at the end of your entry, and ask you something instead. Please feel free to tell me to mind my own business.
It would be interesting to know what your wife's definition of "Boss" is in relation to the concept that she is the boss. You say you've both acknowledged that fact, but she seems to have separated the sexual aspect of her being the boss from the more mundane aspects of her simply being the boss of.....well, what? Where does the "boss" part come in if it's not involved in anything sexual?
I'm having trouble picturing this scene you described in your bedroom. She's been told in advance that you're horny, that you want to be naked and that you want to remove her shoes. The scene becomes reality and it all comes to a halt when she says she doesn't know what to do next. You tell her she doesn't have to do anything, you get dressed and you both eat dinner, and at some point she asks you what she should have done differently.
This sounds to me like a woman who has absolutely no idea about what is going on in your head. She certainly can't even begin to imagine why this scenario could be sexually appealing to you, and evidently it has no sexual meaning for her. Am I getting this right? If you had simply lowered your head to her feet and begun kissing them, would she have recoiled in horror? If you had merely asked her permission to kiss her feet, would she have looked at you in disbelief and confusion? Is that why you just let it end where it ended?
I guess I'm having trouble understanding just what sort of relationship is going on here. How can you offer her suggestions when she doesn't seem to know what's going through your mind "sexually" to begin with? Does she have any idea of where you're at in re the sexual aspects of her being the "boss"? You must be going crazy with sexual frustration and she must be going crazy with sexual confusion. Is there any real communication going on?
I can't see what good it would do to give her a list of suggestions when she's not feeling or understanding what you want and/or need. Shouldn't an understanding of that come first? And if you have to come up with suggestions, is that not a classic case of topping from the bottom? Assuming - and it would be an assumption - that she even understands the concept of "top" or "bottom". I have to wonder if a woman faced with a naked, admittedly horny husband who is removing her shoes can't put two and two together and come up with the conclusion that something sexual is going on. What exactly did you suggest when she asked for suggestions? You never did tell us that.
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This has not happened to me. Going back to the starting point of the scenario, I think your text to her was HOT!! If I was horny, and assuming I was still horny after taking off my partner's shoes, I would not have waited for her to take the lead with her dominance. I would have led with my submission. My hands and then my tongue would have been all over her toes, then her feet, and well, to infinity and beyond as they say.
Now, as for the bigger question, my partner and I have been in a D/s relationship for about seven months. We do a lot of communicating about our needs and desires. We have a pretty good understanding of what makes the other "tick." She has some excellent resources at her disposal - mainly some books about D/s and female led relationships - and she reads them periodically, mulls things over, and works things into our relationship. The key thing here is that she is taking the leadership role in terms of expanding our D/s relationship. I probably offered more ideas early on, but I have learned that patience is a virtue, she is enjoying the benefits, and she is taking an active role within the constraints of managing everyday life matters - to push things forward.
I have to concur with Lady Grey. It may be time to find out what your partner understands about your needs.
Good luck!
You have encountered a problem all submissive men face: you have certain desires you need to communication but you don't want to top from the bottom. I think the previous suggestions and comments have plenty of good ideas. I wouldn't just make up a list on your own but try to involve your wife in drawing up a list of ideas or putting together some fantasy scenarios. Work together to come up with hot, fun activities you will both enjoy. We use a wiki to collaborate on relationship stuff, both sexual and non. You seem to have little problem communicating so you are 3/4 of the way to submissive bliss.
Lady Grey: First, thanks for the thoughtful response. Now let's see if I can answer some of your questions.
Her definition of Boss is that she has the final say on most everything. When she has me serve her and is a bit bossy I enjoy that. It adds some sexual energy and playfulness to our marriage.
As far as the sexual aspect, that is where she struggles. She doesn't get any sexual satisfaction out of a vanilla or wife led marriage. And due to her low or non existant libido, she has trouble thinking in a sexual manner.
As far as her knowing what's in my head, she does know at least intellectually. I did kiss her feet a bit and no she did not recoil in horror. There are numerous ways it could have ended. Her telling me to kiss the inside of her knee and say "that's enough" go cook dinner would have worked.
I haven't provided her with any suggestions because I'm torn between what I want (and I'm trying not to top from the bottom) and figuring out what will work for her.
Thanks again.
Yes I do, as long as he understands he doesn't get them the way he thought them up. When we have ventured into new territories we also discuss afterward what worked best and what did not. I then also try to find out why things did not work as I had planned.
I personally find that his blog is a great place to get ideas from, then mesh them with my own fantasy and ideas and well things happen.
The difference with topping form the bottom is that I ask, that he gives ideas and does not give me a to-do list.
I have always maintained that a so-called Female Led Relationship was primarily based on the male's need of being sexually dominated. Even outside the bedroom they translated it to sex. So, there you have it.
About your wife thinking she is in charge, or that she wants to be in charge, well this is your test of veracity. If she is indeed in charge, then there is nothing wrong with her not wanting to take control in sex. She could just expect you to make love to her the way she wants it. That may not be the way you want it, but that is just too bad. Just decide what you want, and work on that. If she is not inclided to be sexually dominant, you may never get that except in some vanilla scenarios within your Female Led realationship. There is nothing wrong with that with a couple who really care for each other.
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