Subservient Husband wrote: ...."that you are looking at a WLM D/s dynamic as a way of manipulating increased sexual activity in your marriage. W/o a bio chemical reaction from your wife's authority, (i.e. intrinsic submissive traits), I fear it best you seek help from either a marriage counselor or sexual therapist."
Yes I am and have been using a wife led marriage to facilitate more sexual activity in our marriage. But we have spoken openly about this very issue. It was our hope that by having her control our sexuality then she could dictate what she wanted and find multiple and generally easier (teasing versus intercourse) ways of having a more (some) sexuality in our marriage. It would make her feel like a better wife by satisfying her husband. To put it another way, I'd get some sexual satisfaction and she'd get what she wants, the emotional satisfaction (she doesn't want/need the physical) of being a "good wife" and satisfying her husband.
Our WLM didn't work out because her low libido prevents her from thinking in a "sexual way" (her words) and she doesn't tease me or infuse our marriage with sexuality so I am left with spending alot of time and effort pleasing her (non sexually of course) and getting very little in return. While I am her husband and partners do things for each other, even in a wife led marriage, there are limits.
Will we return? Many of you think so. It wouldn't suprise me. The longer we flounder the more I want to go back to a WLM. But only if she can be more involved.
I do appreciate SH comment and the comments of others. I find them interesting and insightful. Thanks.
posted by whatevershesays @ 7:11 AM
19 comments
19 Comments:
I sure could use a mans perspective on what I am going through! Last night I was gonna give my husband everything he has been dreaming for! A month ago he confided in me about this lifestyle and I have been studying all this time. At 7"30 pm I was ready to give him it ALL! I have been doing many things the pAst 3 weeks. When I appeared, dressed & ready we held each other at first~then he FELL ASLEEP!! I feel so rejected, hurt, embarassed and never want to try again! He feels so bad but not as bad as me!! HELP!
I have not read your entire blog but looking at how long it has been around it seems you have tried. Good luck to you. My ex-wife never accepted wife-led marriage (nor anything that would enable intimacy) and we did what was best for us both - divorced and moved on. I never saw a wife-led marriage as a path to sex - I saw it as a path to intimacy. It turned out that intimacy wasn't in her vocabulary. Turns out that it is in the vocabulary of women - just not the one I had chosen to marry 30 years ago. Good luck to you.
Anonymous--I hear what you are saying and it happened to me as well. He fell asleep while giving me oral, seriously come on!! That was the worst feeling.
Had to be anonymous in my reply.
It is very nice to see men trying to work at letting the woman have control in their intimacy. It sucks to hear that that still didn't give her a boost.
I still have hope but think counseling may be another step forward.
Mr. WESS,
I do think it a noble effort to try and improve a relationship by trying a WLM dynamic. I do believe that submissive intrinsic are needed. I feel pleasure when my wife bosses me around. It is some kind of bio chemical reaction that I find hard to explain.
As a way of improving a marital relationship, I do still respectfully believe that counseling a more productive route then WLM experimenting, as you have found it an unfulfilling approach and it does not have the desired effect you two were seeking. I write this is hopes you two find a contented relationship that you both deserve.
-SH
Anon(s): I can understand the first poster's guy falling asleep but the 2nd? How can a guy fall asleep while going down on his wife. Holy crap!
You know "Mr" WHATEVERSHESAYS~I wrote for the first time in my life on this issue, asking for help. All you did was dismiss me and say you can understand him falling asleep! If only you knew that I have always been a Chrisatiam women married to my husband for 20 years. He has always been the tough guy. He laid carpet for a living, macho type, together we go to desert to shoot guns, and I am a southern girl who always wantwed a MAN which he seems to be. Like I said, 1 month ago he told me about this fantasy. I am very naive and have never heard of this S^^^ in my life. I love him so much I would do almost anything for him. For 3 weeks, I have been whipping him with belt, cane. hand, plastic hanger. We could not afford a strap-on (something I never heard of) till 3 days ago. I started f****** him with an ice-cream scooper 3 weeks ago and also a wine bottle and my finger. He was so much in anticipation for him to buy me that (strap-on). I studdied all of Ms. Suttons teachings and have been doing that plus more. You see, I have a big imagination. I have made him wear MY panties to work 2x a week, which really turned him on! Then, the 1st time I dress in an outfit and am ready to give hime the DICK he has been asking for-he falls asleep!!! Does anybody out there know how that feels to me?!!! This is all new to me and I heard 1 guy say he'd run a mile for a DOM!!! So, the moment he gets his wish look what happened. How can I not feel rejected, hurt, ashamed and worthless. If I had $$ I would run!! I am 5'4"" @ 135 lbs. and I am in no way conceited. In fact, I have always had low self esteem but everyone always tells me how beautiful and exotic looking I am. So why did I turn my husband off when I was a virgin to all this?? Can even 1 person help me? This is a secret he ahs made me keep so I have nobody to talk to. 1 more time...will somebody please help me? From: "REJECTED DOM"
Ms. RD,
Hello. I feel for you. The transition is most often difficult. I wish you the best.
As to help, I offer the Around Her Finger book & web-site. My wife found it helpful and adopted the approach to follow in her leadership of our relationship. It has worked well for her. After all, finding contentment is something that is the goal of this for both the wife and husband & I do wish it for you too.
There are others too. I list several in the “Resources” section of my blog, if you care to look. Best wishes.
-SH
OK...I'll bite....for a bit.
Anon: You went from 0 to 90 miles per hour in no time. a "normal" marriage to wife led with strap on play...
My advice...don't give him everything he wants. If you do, he is still in charge. Tease him, deny him his orgasms (but not yours of course). go to aroundherfinger.com.
Once a guy orgasms he loses interest. Try teasing and denying. Do what YOU want, not what he wants.
Thanks for the advice~MR. "whatevershesays". I have been reading many resources you suggested, through my pain and frustration. I truly believe I have never felt so rejected in my life!! You are right about going from 0-90 miles per hour. My goal was to make my husband happy. He introduced me into this world and I have studied countless hours and thought I was doing EVERYTHING right! The night he rejected me by falling asleep, I made him grocery shop earlier in the day. I had written the list and at the end of it I wrote: "I love you and I want to F*** your brains out! He had purchased the (strap-on) 2 days prior. He came home so excited and a lil embarrased (was kinda cute). I had planned this all day. Since I have been rejected our life has been a living hell! I am angry, hurt and want nothing to do with him. He is suffering, writing me love notes and telling me he changed his mind about this LStyle. He says to forget about it and go back to the way we were (wonderful sex life TO ME AT LEAST). I believe he is not being honest. He is just ashamed he blew it and now will never tell me his true feelings. I love him with all my heart but I am so confused and have nobody to talk to since he wants this kept a secret! If we do drop all this, I believe he will be supressing his true desires (which I don't want). Anyway, thanks for the help...YOU are the only 1 I have asked for help from. After 20 years of marriage, I don't want us to break up but I am so scared of the future. He is now probably afraid to ever tell me his true feelings again. I slapped the S*** out of him last night, something I would have never dared done in the past. Good luck to you and your marriage, I read all your blogs. Too bad he couldn't have been ecstatic from all the things I have done to him, treated him and accepted his ways this past month! :( P.S. Please pray that this has not destroyed our marriage. Thanks again and no need to respond. Peace be with you.
Anon: What I would do is stop anything sexual for a little while, say a week or two.
Then talk to him. Be open, honest and direct. See what he says.
In the end, a wife led marriage is an agreement between partners.
It's all about communication. Let me know how it goes.
No matter what others may say, you need to feel that your wife is part of a WLM or it just isn't that.
Anon--
I don't want you to give up. It appears that he has loved this part of the WLM. All those new things that really turned him on and hopefully you. Do not believe that all of a sudden that his feelings have changed over night.
Sit and talk to him about how to move forward. Also make sure you evaluate your self on this one before you talk to him. This was a major change for you as well. Try a bit of a slower pace....make him really WANT it.
Whatevershesays is correct when saying don't give him everything because you want to keep him wanting more....
And unfortunately like someone said when he gets his he loses interest...make it work for you to. I read somewhere (and experienced) a man will do anything to get his so enjoy some fun as well and you could do it subtly.
Good luck to you!!
Dear "WHATEVERSHESAYS", Please can you help me? I started my own blog today and do not really know what I am doing. I go by "mamaROSE" and have written my 1st entry. I can not figure out how to use it, ask for friend request, etc. If anyone here is willing to help me I would really appreciate it! Thanks, God Bless and I am really trying hard. Thanks alot... (*_*)
Mr. "whatevershesays" or anyone that can help! I started my own blog todaY but am not sure of what I am doing. I go by "mamaLOLA". I made my 1st entry but have no idea where to go from there, how to make friends, etc. I am still in crisis but show no signs to my hubby. He thinks I am strong, confident and he is so happy. Inside I am a mess, just trying to make this work. I guess I am a good actress but my blog says it all. Where do I go from here on blogging? Thanks for anybody to help me. mamaROSE
Daer "Whatevershesays"...Things are going better for us/we have came to an understanding. The WLM may work out for us after all. We are going on a Christian retreat this weekend for marriages that are in crisis. We are looking forward to it. It is held at a motel and they say we will be working hard! (listening to speakers, priest available, alot of writing each other in the room and going back to meetinga all weekend. Thanks to all who helped me through all this I started a blog site but I do not know how to even write a new entrie. I go by mamaRose. If anyone can help me understand blogging I'd appreciate it. Sorry to use you diary for my own writings, just didn't know where else to turn. I hope you and your wife are doing well. I have learned alot by reading mens prespectives. Take carfe and God bless you...
P.S. "BIG MISTAKE"!!! I DO?NOT go by mamaRose...it is MAMALOLA. sorry.
P.S. "BIG MISTAKE"!!! I DO?NOT go by mamaRose...it is MAMALOLA. sorry.
We just had our 4 year old grandaughter move in with us for unfortunate reasons for her. We both love her so much and have had to change our entire lifestyle. Our WLM has really slowed down and I think it's time I start reading books. I do have something to look forward to as we lie in wait of the things we were doing. Like "Whatevershesays" said anyway...we were going to fast. I have less anxiety and more hope in our future. God works in mysterious ways.
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