Power Exchange
I don't want to rewrite my whole blog but some background is necessary. I am a very lucky man. I am married to a beautiful, highly successful woman for almost 20 years. We have kids, health and overall happiness. Our one issue is sex. Her libido is quite low and mine isn't.
Due primarily to this difference in our sex drives, our marriage has always been wife led. We didn't call it that, but she was the one who deteremined if and when we were to have sex. A few years ago, I found aroundherfinger.com and it fell into place. We acknowledged that our marriage is "wife-led." And certainly there have been some difficult times as we try to make this some what new dynamic work. But when times are good, I get the attention that I need and she feels like a good wife.
As of today, it is a given. She controls our sex life. Due to her low libido, intercourse is rare and has been substituted by my mastrubating for her. But frequently she says that while I"m masturbating she feels awkward, a kind of "what should I be doing" type of feeling. Remember, due to her low libido, she isn't going to touch herself, strip, flash me, whatever.
Yesterday we had an interesting conversation. Last week I told her that when she was home (yesterday) and the kids were at school, it would be fun to hand wash her camisoles, naked in the kitchen. And she did ask me if I wanted to. The problem is that I if I said yes, I'd be naked, obviously aroused and she would get that awkward, "what should I be doing" feeling. So I declined. At lunch, I told her why I declined, siting her feelings. I then told her that it wasn't neccessarily the act of washing them but her telling me to do it.
I told her that she could have easily said, "Get naked and wash my camisoles." Once I began, she could have said, "Have them done by the time I'm out of the shower." Presto, I'm happy and she doesn't need to stand there are feel funny about her (apparent) lack of participation.
I proceeded to give her some more examples of how it is as much about the power exchange as the actual sexual act. It is about her taking control. I call active and open acknowledgement of our wife led marriage. It is similar to when she exercises her control in public. I get alot of sexual satisfaction when she approaches a door and just stands there waiting for me to open it. Or when she approaches her car and then just stands there waiting for me to open her door. The noticeable thing about that is she is the driver and I'm often already on the other side of the car. And lately, she has taken to just stop walking and staring at me until I get behind her. I find this extremely arousing because she's done it in VERY public places such as the mall, supermarkets and Costco. And I'm sure people have noticed because they've had to walk around me as I back pedal to get behind her.
Time will tell if she'll figure out that she doesn't have to feel awkward and that the act of her taking control is actually more important than my orgasm.
posted by whatevershesays @ 5:15 AM
2 comments
2 Comments:
Thanks for putting this so clearly.
My question to you is, "Does it matter if she's doing these things because she wants to, or if she's doing these things because she knows you want her to?"
I worry (in my own relationship, which is not nearly to where yours is), that my beloved is doing things like this (at least the one or two rituals that we do have) because she knows I want her to.
On the one hand, that's very sweet, because she's doing this "for me." On the other hand, it seems to make her sort of an active prop in my fantasy, since it really doesn't have much to do with her.
Similarly, perhaps, to your own situation, the sex part of our wife led relationship seems to be the part that works best: intimate relations happen when and in a way that is focused around her satisfaction, with mine being incidental to the process. Perhaps differently from yours, I don't think my beloved would mind if I masturbated every day, so long as I was "there" when she needed me.
Which, of course, is not what I want at all; I want her to control my sexual satisfaction. So we're close on that one, but not in synch either.
Sorry, a rather long P.S. to my original question: "Does it matter if she actually wants you to do the things you do that indicate a wife led relationship?"
It's great that you can talk about these things, but sad that you have to ask sometimes. At least now maybe your wife understands just that little bit more about how you feel, and will indulge your fantasy that much more, it really doesn't have to be hard work...!!!!!
Answering Jamie's question for myself, if I may, I think that it does matter, you want to feel that your wife wants this, enjoys the control she has over you, and encourages your obedience to her will. However, you have to start somewhere, so if at first you have to make suggestions or offer to do things, that's OK too, if you don't ask you don't get, and how else is your wife suppose to know what excites you.
The effect is diminished over time, however, if you always have to keep prompting or asking, it makes you begin to think that if she were more engaged and enjoying her power, then why does she not use it ways that she knows you will enjoy.
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