Effort. It's About the Effort
Background:
Due to a low libido, my wife struggles with thinking sexually and as a result doesn't do alot of teasing and denying.
Each morning I serve her coffee on bended knee and say something nice. It's our own little fun morning ritual. No big deal. On Monday I was serving her coffee as she was turning on the overhead lights and she wondered if others could see. She also thought I might be doing something more than just serving her coffee (stroking for her.)
Later that morning I sent her the following email:
This morning you were turning some lights on and were concerned about who could see what and I joked that I wasn't naked and stroking.
2 things:
Well actually one since we both don't care too much about who sees me serving you coffee. Unless they stopped and stared on multiple mornings they wouldn't "know" anyting.
And the other is that if you want me to "think about you:)" (readers, that means to masturbate) all you have to do is tell me to. Any time, any place and for any length of time. While I do prefer if you are home, you don't have to be all the time. It doesn't need to result in a release (orgasm). Heck, thinking of you, could be used as both a reward and punishment, or even just for fun.
And I thought I'd email this to you (you are putting on your makeup right now) so you don't have that awkward....."Should I (meaning you) be doing something now?" type of thing.
She replied: "Got it"
This morning was the usual coffee service. And as usual, while she puts on her makeup behind a partially closed door (mirror issues:) I asked her if she needed anything. There was a long hesitation and then she said,
"Think of me but don't come."
So there I knealt, outside her bathroom, stroking and getting quite aroused. She asked me if I was hard, duh, and then told me to stop and go get her headphones in the basement. I happily walked downstairs, aroused. I gave her the headphones and she glanced at my still pudgy state but said nothing. The end.
That's what I needed. I need her to show some consistent effort of working on our sexuality. I am hoping this starts a new chapter and she begins to realize how little it takes to make me happy. Time will tell.
posted by whatevershesays @ 7:16 AM
7 comments
7 Comments:
I was wondering, does your wife read your blog and if so, what remarks did she have about this entry and your blog overall?
My apologies for the brevity of my previous comment. I should never comment or post when distracted by 5-6 other things.
I wanted to add that I have read your blog with interest and appreciate that you are so willing to put your thoughts out there for the world to see. Since there are a few really unhappy people out there who relish being rude or mean to others in order to build themselves up, I think your willingness to share the intimate details about your life is admirable.
Best wishes for much happiness,
Lady Julia
LJ:
Thanks for the kind words. No she doesn't read the blog though she is aware of it.
I compare blogging to flirting. I won't write down anything I wouldn't want her to read and I dont' flirt more than what I would do if she was with me:)
You said something that gave me pause and I wanted to share a couple of thoughts about it.
She asked me if I was hard, duh,
It's entirely possible I perceived this differently than you meant it, but I wanted to suggest there could be at least a couple of reasons she asked that, neither of them "duh" types of things :)
Sometimes I ask that question because I want to hear how he sounds when he answers. It's not just about words, it's about the emotion, the excitement that I can hear. I know he's hard even without his answer - all I have to do is change the tone of my voice and he has an instant reaction (that really turns me on, too). :)
The other thing to consider is that your wife is as you put it struggling with sexuality, with teasing and denying. When she asked if you were hard, could it be that she was asking for reassurance that she was doing things "right"?
It's true that submissive men often crave a lot of feedback. "You're doing so well". "I love owning your cock." "You are mine to do with as I wish". "It really excites me to know you only touch your cock when I say you may touch."
Many dominant women, especially those who are at the beginning of this adventure, really need reinforcement and feedback too. "Yes my cock is so hard. It excites me so much when you remind me who is in control." "You are so sexy when you X, but then you are sexy no matter what you are doing".
That's the other thing. Sometimes when a woman is new to dominance, she may wonder if the only way she is sexy or attractive to a man is when she is doing what he wants. It can be hurtful to think she has to change to be attractive. After all, men in this situation are expecting her to find his newly admitted submission attractive. What's the difference?
Just a few thoughts. None of them may apply to your situation but I wanted to share just in case.
Lady Julia's last point hits on something I've been particularly wary of.
When a man tells his wife about his desire to be dominated beyond the occasional bedroom game, he's asking for a radical change in the relationship dynamic.
I think women, largely more than men, invest much of their self-image in the nature of their familial relationships. For example, while I'm a good dad (I believe) my wife is far, far more self-invested in being a good mother. The great majority of her self esteem comes from being a good mother, and, albeit to a lesser extent, a good wife. I can't make the analogous claim.
Now, threatening a woman's self image by requesting a change in the relationship dynamic incurs great risk. I'm convinced many wives immediately wonder "What am I doing wrong, and why isn't he happy with things as they are?" When unspoken, these worries can lead to resentment on the part of wife. And a feeling of being misunderstood on the part of husband.
That's my dime store philosophy, anyway.
Both S and Lady Julia make a very valid point, and one that I suspect many would be submissive husbands dont really consider. I too have expereinced that "why don't you love me for who I am" converstaion. By seeking to submit to your wife and wanting her to become this much more dominant and demanding character you are asking a lot for her to change, especially if she does not understand your motivation or if she doesn't like to see herself as a bossy domineering wife. For some women I am sure that its a bit of a "slap in the face", what was wrong with the way things were before, why am I not a turn on just being me, why do I have to be bossy or dominant, all questions that I am sure many wives ask themselves during this process.
I guess that you need to be honest with your wife and just admit that is a lot about you and what you want, but that it's a need that you want to share with her rather than impose on her. Its a feeling and an experience that will bring you much closer together, and is someting that you can both enjoy and benefit from. What you are offering is your love devotion attention and yes obedience, and your wife gets to experience a much deeper sense of the effect and influence that she can have on you as man and husband, using her feminine charm and your submission to suit her needs desires and fantasies. What she needs to recognise is that all you need is regular acknowledgement, and to have a sense that she is enjoying the attention and likes being in charge.
LJ: I agree with your comments. However, the "duh" was not actually said but rather meant as a joke to my readers. Apprently my seense of humor didn't come across. :) My actual reaction was to croak out a "yes."
S: I agree. I think many women would think, "what's so wrong that he wants me to change." And that may have happened in my case. And there was and to a degree still is, something wrong. There isn't enough sexuality in our marriage.
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