Around Her Finger or Bedroom?
Dont remember where I read it but some posted the thought that instead of approaching your wife with the book/method from Around Her Finger, one should start in the bedroom first.
Essentially the thought was that your wife would be much more open to "dominance" as a playful bedroom game first then moving it into your everyday marriage than having her being the boss of the relationship in every day things. The reason being is that most women in our society are taught, even today, to have the husband lead.
Once you introduce her to "dominance" in the bedroom, you can transition to the rest of your mariage.
This idea has some merit. Thoughts?
posted by whatevershesays @ 5:47 AM
9 comments
9 Comments:
I can tell that you are a good, sweet submissve man.
You want the life of an obedient, loving husband so badly that I can almost cry for you.
You want to be leashed and collared, and your wife dosen't understand.
Often, even most of the time, women just don't understand how importatnt the submissve litestyle is for a man. They think of it as a game, and a kinky game at that.
It is almost like loving a person, and that person dosen't love you back. It hurts. Everyday you feel the pain. You want so bad to give a gift of your self, and there is no one there to accept. As a husband and man your life it not compelte until a women owns you.
If your wife really understood how every little spark of domianat energy from her made a difference in your happiness, I am sure she would learn to be more dominant.
Yes, I do think that being dominant with a man is something that can be learned, and for most women is an acquired taste.
Love, Mistress Kathy
I agree with you but also think it is more.
Many women just can not handle or even relate to an image of being "dominant" The picture to them is something different than what it is for us. The other problem is we have taught them to be suspect of many things we do as a way to change them or get them to do or be something we want them to be.
If we change our mindset to one taht it is really all about them it can change. The confidence in them can grow and both we and they can be what we are designed to be.
I know that if my partner handed me a book that essentially said that I should change my entire persona into something that I've only ever heard of from bad porn or sex workers (I know a number of proDommes, but most women don't), not only would I be resistant, you'd be lucky if I didn't run screaming.
What many submissive men forget is that they have years of reading, studying, fantasizing about this, whereas many women have barely even heard of it- and what they have heard is often in a negative light. The pop media representation of a "DOMINATRIX" in latex and cracking a whip, with her high-heeled foot on the back of a whimpering man isnt one that most women can relate to- and many more don't want to! And it's the only view most women get, because as Bitchy Jones pointed out, (most) proDommes follow porn for how they act (after all, they're providing a service to men and porn is male fantasy on video), and amDommes frequently follow proDommes because there are so few good amDomme mentors/examples to follow.
What's the solution? I don't know. But I do know that kinky games in the bedroom are easier to accept and build from than your average "Mistress Manual".
*hugs*
I don't think it's accurate to describe "Around Her Finger" or "Worshipping Your Wife" as "guides" or as manuals for a wife to change her persona. There must be hundreds of books out there geared at rekindling the spark of marriage. This is the same kind of thing, albeit with a slightly different twist.
In neither book will you find one reference to a woman becoming "bitchy", "bossy" or otherwise taking on characteristics anathema to the conventional role of "wife". If anything, the books are guides for MEN to follow...but they do require the understanding of their women. Contrast these books with (say) the books by Elise Sutton...in my opinion, those books do encourage women to don completely different persona, and they clearly cater to extreme male sexual fantasy.
As for Whatevershesays' question: I think this varies by the couple. I would love for my wife to be open to minor experimentation in the bedroom, but she just isn't interested (and yes...that obviously has at least as much to do with my own shortcomings as with hers). If I've been shut down on any sexual variation from the norm, she's been more receptive to my striving to please her outside the bedroom. Other men might have more luck in the bedroom. It isn't obvious to me which man is luckier.
My vote would be for the bedroom first, then maybe the book, but that's because that's the route I started out with. I did print off a copy of the book, but never gave it to Jane. I was never sure how she would have reacted to being given such a book, and I could never find the right time to give it to her.
The only problem with starting from the bedroom first is that even if your wife takes more control there, how do you transfer this to everyday life, and/or explain to your wife what it is that you would really like for your relationship. That's where a book may help. There is no doubt that the first conversation, the first letter, or whatever it is that you use to communicate your desires is the hardest thing. Once you have taken the plunge, and assuming that you didn't get a completely negative reaction, it will probably give you more courage to expand on things as time goes by.
Starting in the bedroom certainly is a good way to introduce your wife to the concept that she can be in charge, even dominate you, but there is a danger that she will see it just as a game, I know Jane did, and as she said once "you can't live your life in a game". The biggest problem therefore is convincing her that it is not a game and she can live her life with her as the boss, taking control and using her femininity, and your submissive nature to become queen in her own home.
As I have said before though, she has to be made to feel that your submission, and desire to be controlled is as a result of her sexuality, and feminine charm, that she is the focus of your attention and that it is she that has this effect on you. Also that you want to prove your love and devotion to her by submitting yourself to her emotionally and physically, to love honour and obey. What loving wife could refuse such an offer if put the right way, and should even learn to enjoy such attention eventually.
The bedroom is mostly fun and games. Then there is the other thing that you want. You can start in the bedroom, but that does not translate to real live 24/7.
If I had a chance to do all of this again, I would begin with words. I would talk with my wife, tell her my needs, tell her what I have to offer, and ask her to please try it and see how it feels.
I would not flip 180 degrees from being a dominant male into a submissive one. That would suggest to her that I am unreliable, unstable, and to be committed to some mental institution.
I would remain who and what I am, but offer her this new way of life a little at a time. I would offer it in a way that would not put a burden on her, but would entice her into the role that I propose. The so-called "stealth" approach is fine, but it tends to erode reality. I like to be open about my offer in this situation. If she is resistant to it, then no amount of stealth or other approach will change her mind. Open communication and information may accomplish that.
Starting in the bedroom would require an acceptance that her desires are just as important and might be quite contrary to yours. Look at the path Urmel is following because he values his wifes right to experience in the bedroom that which she desires.
A two pronged approach might be more valuable. Talking openly about meeting each others desires sexually being one side. The other to build the wifes confidence in herself as a person. To reinforce constantly her strengths and bow to them until her self belief enables her to become the head of the household.
Great question Whatevershesays. I agree with Susan's Pet. I know that I was scared to death to TALK to her about it, and chose all sorts of stealth modes. In the end, I think I just scared her, because she obviously noted the changed behavior but was unsure of my motives. Was I feeling guilty? Did I cheat on her?
As with every other aspect of a healthy marriage, communication is key. If I had it to do over, I would have brought it up prior to the proposal.
Peace.
Howdy,
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