Monday, March 31, 2008


Not much to say really. My wife's lack of sexual desire has put a cramp on any and all sexual activity. It was my hope that a wife led marriage would allow her to "go at her own pace." But I understand that if one doesn't have any sexual urges that she probably doesn't feel like being sexually playful.

But let's face it, it is still a wife led marriage if for no other reason that I want sex and she controls it:)

She has a real fear that I'm going to divorce her because of her lack of sexual desire. I must say that really pisses me off. We've been having issues with her lack of desire for 14 years (since our first child was born) and I'm still here. Sure I get frustrated, who wouldn't. But I continue to love her and put forth effort into making our marriage not only work but get better.

Anyway, that's all for now. I get to be her trophy husband this weekend. She is hosting a big business dinner and my attendance is required.


At 8:52 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Have you got on your hands and knees, naked and asked her to talk with you? Once you know the reason why she does not like sex then you have a base from which to form a plan that will satisfy both of you. May be she is too tense and tired or to put out takes more effort. Ask with no pretense.
Rachel Widget

At 11:57 AM, Blogger Urmel said...

I recommend the same. I have had the same problem with Princess. We had weeks without sex. Then, during an argument, it turned out that she did not like my attitude in bed at all. She rather had no sex. I felt very bad, but then I saw this as an opportunity to improve things. That was actually before we started the WLM.
I wish you good luck.

At 12:39 PM, Blogger whatevershesays said...

I don't need to be naked on my knees.

She has no desire, no libido, nothing. She doesn't look at other men or women and she has no desire to masturbate.

At 5:59 AM, Blogger Susan's Pet said...

My Friend,

I am sorry that you must face these problems. It is ironic to present your assessement of your marriage as, "... it is still a wife led marriage if for no other reason that I want sex and she controls it ..." Given that most men in FLR want the woman to control sex, you seem to have what you wanted. Then again, "no sex" is not exactly what you wanted.

Your readers above gave some good advice. Judging by your last comment, "She has no desire, no libido, nothing. She doesn't look at other men or women and she has no desire to masturbate." you sound fatalistic. Not in the suicidal, but feeling that there is nothing left.

My wife is not asexual, but neither is she driven by sex. I am frustrated much of the time for wasting opportunities. So I understand your feelings. But at least when we do get together we have tremendous sex, and I cope with the sexually barren periods.

I don't believe that your wife has no use for sex. I think that she has not told you what her problem is. Your dedication to your marriage is admirable, and should be a good basis to try to get into her mind. If she loves you, she will give you what you need, maybe not as often as you like, but once in a while.

Meanwhile, do things for her that please her, and at the same time you enjoy. Even in the least sexual context being close to each other is a pleasant feeling. Think of a hug, a furtive kiss on the breast, cuddling in bed, telling her how much you enjoy her scent, compliment her on her curves, etc.. Try the things that you did while you were dating or getting acquainted, and then pursue them.

If all that fails, you still enjoyed the contact, so not much was lost. Apparently extramarital affair is out of question, so the only thing left is self gratification. Do it, but do it without resentment.

At 8:48 AM, Blogger carnations said...

Has your wife been to her gynocologist to talk about her lack of libido? This sounds like she has a medical problem to me. Is sex painful to her? Perhaps some medications or lubricants could help.

Or maybe she doesn't see that there is a problem. She just may think that she's the "normal" one, and think you're oversexed. This could also be addressed by her doctor.

You seem to be focused on what you need. But what if, you were to take some extra time and focus on her needs. Is she tired? Let her take a nap, while you take care of the kids, or wash a few loads of clothes, or fix dinner. Does she feel unappreciated? Bring her a small token of your love, some flowers or candy, just because. Not just on her birthday or a holiday. Try reading some love poetry to her. Sneak up behind her while she's doing the dishes and nuzzle her neck. Leave her little love notes on her pillow or stuck to the bathroom mirror. Take her hand in the mall. Kiss her as often as you can. Don't expect anything sexual in return, just cherish her. I don't think any woman who is getting treated as a lover can go on forever without wanting to reciprocate.

Best wishes to you both

At 7:46 AM, Blogger whatevershesays said...


She has been to see her doctor. All is well "down there" and hormone levels are normal. My wife realizes that it is "her problem" and that I'm not over sexed.

And with all due respect, your next few comments are somewhat funny. The Oprah approach: Candles, bath, wine. The problem is that even though I don't pressure her at all, she knows that she should have sexual feelings but doesn't. Also, I'm an at home dad. I do all the laundry, cleaning, cooking, dishes etc. I've left countless notes, flowers, etc etc over the past 10 years and still her desire is nonexistant.

"I don't think any woman who is getting treated as a lover can go on forever without wanting to reciprocate."

She doesn't want sex, doesn't need sex and doesn't need or want physical attention.

At 9:59 AM, Blogger carnations said...

I'm glad to hear that all is well with your wife physically, and that you are at least making an effort to make her feel loved and respected.

But you act as though her lack of libido was something she was doing just to bother you. Don't you realize that this is as big a problem to her, maybe more so, as it is to you?

You say, "The problem is that even though I don't pressure her at all, she knows that she should have sexual feelings but doesn't." I have a hard time believing that she is not feeling pressured in this matter, simply because if you weren't upset about this all, you wouldn't be blogging about it.

Perhaps the two of you should seek counciling together at the hands of a qualified specialist, rather than asking advise from those of us on the net, who are neither of those things.

Most of the advice you've gotten from us who have reponded so far was well meant and sound, even if I did express what I said a bit too simplistically. Try rereading the post from Susan's pet, and maybe putting some of those suggestions to use. It seems like sound advice.

I am not condemning you, as I am sure the others weren't. I wish you both the best.

At 8:41 PM, Blogger Michael said...

While I am not one to give advice, I can at least understand your frustration. My wife too has no interest in sex. Despite all of the attempts from conversation to Dr visits, to massages - it really doesn't matter what I do. Like your wife, she understands it is a problem between us (the lack of desire), but not enough of a problem for her to work on a solution, despite all of my efforts over the last 6+ years. I don't know what to tell you. Our marriage is 20 years old! And sex originally was wild. I beleive some women just "turn off" and don't want to bother turning back on.She'll spend an hour cooking dinner, but not 5 minutes playing with me! That is my true source of frsutration & resentment. And I have begun to hate my Catholic upbringing - all of the guilt associated with cheating prevents me from going further down that road - but I am tempted!
Like you, I am hanging in there, hope it turns out well for you.

At 5:43 AM, Anonymous Miss AJ said...

You do seem to be in a very sad situation. I have often heard it said that the partner who wants sex the least controls it, just as the one who needs cuddles the least ends them each time.
It is a terrible predicament for you because if it worried your wife that she has no libido she would take steps to correct the problem.

Did she have all hormone levels checked, thyroid and adrenal as well as sexual? Have you considered relationship counseling in case there is an issue from childhood to be resolved. There do seem to be so many reasons for a woman to be sexless and real rewards for her if they can be corrected.

At 8:47 AM, Blogger Dan loves Missy said...

So many of have felt the way you do at one time or the other. Although there are a lot of wise observations and suggestions from others to you, not all are true for all. Every situation is different. I do however feel that sometimes the fact they know we have expectations adds so much stress it is self defeating.
Whatever is the root of your differing sex levels the question remains. If she lost the abilty to have sex with you today would you drop her and move on? If yes, then there is something else missing. If no, you would not rent her would you? You would not make her feel quilty, would you?


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