Thursday, January 31, 2008

New to Wife Led Marriage

I've been married for 18 years and only the last 2 and one-half have been wife led. And from all I have read to all I have experienced I came to only one truth: Like all marriages, wife led, husband led, whatever, there is NOT a one size fits all.

I write this because I've seen a increase in blogs and new commenters. It's pretty exciting. Who knows, maybe my grand children will find some old letter to my wife and realize that I (and you:) were the vanguard to a new marriage style!!

What I try to do is take a bit from the blogs that I read. Sometimes I think, "Yea, I understand that, I see where he/she is coming from." Other times, I think, "Wow, that's too over the top for me." Either way I've learned something about myself.

So for all you "new" readers, men and women, those in or thinking of trying a wife-led marriage I say go for it and pick and choose what works for you.

25 Comments:

At 9:54 AM, Anonymous Ms Lily said...

My husband and I are early in our journey, we have been married for almost 10 years, he came to me with this 2 months ago and we both have been reading non-stop ever since. I concur with you, just like in vanilla life, you have to pick and choose the things that work best for YOUR relationship. I enjoy your blog, and I hope to continue enjoying it for years to come, and who knows, maybe someday my knight will be one of your fellow bloggers. *Ms Lily

 
At 12:30 PM, Blogger whatevershesays said...

Ms Lily: Perhaps you should blog? A woman's perspective is always refreshing. Thanks for you input.

 
At 8:42 PM, Blogger RJ said...

Good post. I too read some good blogs and see some things that I can learn from.

 
At 6:52 AM, Blogger VeezKnight said...

I'll second that request for Ms. Lily to blog. Most of the blogs out here in cyberspace are written by men. A new blog featuring a woman's perspective would be VERY helpful to people considering or trying to implement this lifestyle.

 
At 9:26 AM, Blogger helpmate hubby said...

That is what makes the Wife led relationship lifestyle so great, it comes in so many different flavors, despite all having the same basic foundational principal that the marraige is "Wife-led" It's like ice cream, with the different variation being all the different flavors.

 
At 10:53 AM, Blogger darylglen said...

I totally agree.
Sometimes when I give someone advice on here, I cringe a little bit, because I know that everyone and everthing is different.
And what worked for me, might be the totally wrong thing for someone else to try.

But the main thing is, is that I wish that everyone could experience the feelings that a WLM can bring, and being so excited about it and loving it the way that I am (sure there are down times), it's just hard not to encourage others out there.

Love your blog, and I'm a big fan.

 
At 6:25 AM, Anonymous peter said...

Well I like to honesty and realism of the your blog.

I to am slowly introducing my wife to this relationship and recently bought her some books on the subject as she does not really surf blogs etc.

I have said to her that they are just for reference and ideas and that as you have said i do not want to push her in a direction and she does things to just please me. I have said that should feel comfortable and happy with moving the relationship in the ways she wishes.

The books are Venus on top Elise Sutton's Female Domination, and A Guide for Keyholders.

May be you can try this with your wife so that she has some reference points and can pick what she wants from them.

any way keep blogging, and i concur with the other comments that it would be good to see Ms Lily do a blog from the females perspective.

 
At 5:01 AM, Blogger whatevershesays said...

Peter: I found the site: aroundherfinger.com to be an excellent introduction to a wife led marriage.

 
At 4:01 AM, Blogger Urmel said...

I am net wot wife-led marriage and I greatly appreciate your blog. Thanks for sharing your experience!

 
At 4:20 AM, Blogger jenny206 said...

I am often amazed at how much of this talk is about masculine entitlement. The reason why role swap marriages fail so often is the husband's unfair attitude. WHY should a woman do the housework? WHY can't she initiate and refuse sexual advances. And why can't you wear an apron without blushing?

 
At 2:02 PM, Blogger yesmam said...

My girlfriend (soon to be wife) is already very demanding. She likes to be the boss and has that alpha female personality already. I am worried that if I introduce her to wife led literature myself she may reject it. Or do you think she will embrace it?

My only other option is to give her some literature annonymously. But I'd rather her know my true feelings about her being the boss. I just don't want her thinking I'm "different"

 
At 8:06 AM, Blogger bdm said...

I just recently brought this concept to my wife's attention and for the time-being, she's resistent to the idea. She's starting to really appreciate the work I do around the house and she might be coming to terms with the lifestyle. My advice to any man considering this is to be open and honest about your motivations. For me, it was an epiphany when I realized how I can demonstrate my love via the Love Language of mine that is the strongest: Acts of Service.

 
At 4:57 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Seems my wife has been doing a lot of reading on the net. In our case it was her who broached the subject, not explicitly but bit by bit. I found it (and still find it) very difficult at times... to ask permission for so many things (and see them refused not infrequently), to be asked for advice but have no part in decision-making, to be punished for pretty much any transgression. But I do love her more than ever and I do relate to most of the things said here. Except that I would never have started this on my own accord.

 
At 11:32 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Interestingly enough, I have never engaged in a woman-led relationship. It is something that I secretly am attracted to however. Unfortunately, most of the literature and sexual presentations of this practice is disagreeable for me. In essence, I'm attracted more, in my vision, to the "loving" aspect, and not the fetish/fantasy aspect of female led relationships. To my disappointment, most of the literature is geared towards the sexual stuff, and not the loving part; in fact, I haven't heard anything about women loving their husband from any of this. Most of what I hear is the man loving their wives, and the wives engaging in abusive, neglectful and belittling acts towards their husbands. This is worrisome, because if I ever decide to get into a woman led relationship, I don't want to be abused, nor do I want to be dominated or controlled. I simply want to be free to engage in submission without the fear of being taken advantage of. Am I wrong in saying that much of what is written is abusive and humiliating and not loving? Are the more loving things hidden or kept secret in favor of the more erotic things? I'm not a child, and I do not need to be told what to do, my desire to function as a pleaser in a marriage or relationship with a woman does not mean that I want her to think of me as inferior. In fact, if she did consider me, or men in general, inferior, then that would make her inferior; thus, there would be no way I could bring myself to surrender to her. I question whether the men who participate in their own humiliation really respect themselves? This is the problem with bringing any of the literature to a new relationship.

 
At 11:13 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

My wife and I have been trying to adopt the lifestyle on numerous occasions without much lasting success. I am trying to latch on to personality traits of hers that make her fierce in some ways. She is quite the penny pincher so I am going towards financial domination. I have more or less retired, although I am not financially really ready to do so, and my savings are being depleted every day. I have thought of signing everything over to her, an idea she is toying with to a certain extent. I have convinced her that for the next while meal time at home will be as follows: I cook her a meal that she likes and serve one plate. I get the leftovers. I am very difficult with food, while she is not, so that I have to eat many things that I detest. I have assured her that the food bill can just about be cut in half doing this. So far so good, although she does not eat whwt she wants and hand over the leftovers but gives me some food off her plate so that I can eat at the same time as her. She is also quite possessive and resents our more or less grown-up children taking too much of my time. I call the kids when she is not around not to displease her. My two points are this: insofar as the arrangements at meal time are concerned, all of this is my own idea, like so many things I have suggested that have been mostly rejected. Insofar as not calling the kids too much, this is based on my not wanting to upset her. So what I fear is that she lacks the imagination to find ways to discipline me and I wind up putting ideas in her head and I am sometimes tempted to annoy her to get her to be mad at me and react strongly, something she only does on rare occasions. I think that I am inventing a dominant woman and not discovering one. She tells me that her dominance does not require her getting mad or very vocal and what she does like is the work I do and the care I lavish upon her, but I also want an intense relationship where I do get to live in sub space. That intensity is sorely lacking. She says please and thank you and continues to do work that I have acccepted to do myself considering it to be beneath her dignity.

The last time I told her that I did not want to be her slave I had promised myslef never to bring the subject up again. Wellas it turns out she is the one who said she missed her slave and let out a few comments that made me beg her to accept me back as her property.

The one thing she does that shows her dominace is to have me satisfy her sexually and then walk away and go to the bathroom to wash leaving me alone. This is one of the first signs she gave me years ago of her dominant nature and I love her for it.

In concluding, I just want to say that to me a wife led marriage is a notion emanating from the man's desires and imagination and that truly dominant women are few and far between, our culture is such that women are mostly polite and stick to established standards.

For all I know my wife may be the world's greatest dominant female as she is aiming to do as she pleases and that excludes discipline.

 
At 7:23 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

my wife and i have been married now for 3 years she stated from the begining that she was the boss and i had no choice but to accept i do all the house work and must obey when home i am not allowed to wear pants as makes me more submissive and i must do 2 hours of corner time each day to remind me who the boss is we are very happy and i love my wife very much and i would not trade places with anybody.

 
At 5:29 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Do you have copy writer for so good articles? If so please give me contacts, because this really rocks! :)

 
At 11:04 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I am a alfa male.I have a strong personality.But I wish to start a wife led marriage.I am getting married in 6 months.How could I change my personality.Please help me.I have to make a better start with my marriage.Please email-bbmtt11@yahoo.com
Thanks in advance

BOB

 
At 10:59 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Sorry my id is bbmtt1@yahoo.com.au

 
At 1:21 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I have a different experience where my wife of two years has forced this on me. She is a senior VP at work and used to being in full control and having men and women obey her. I know she has been accused of being a bossy demanding woman both at home and work.
I am far less assertive and for that reason often felt that's why my wife was attracted to me. She pretty much bosses me around from the moment she wakes to the end of the day and is furious if I do not obey her.
I would say we have a good sex life but like other areas she is in complete control. I am trying to figure this all out and except this but am not there yet.
Any thoughts are welcome.

 
At 10:45 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

my take is this I prefer the woman makes all the decisions I go to work and provide an income which she is in charge of and she makes all imortant decisions in the marriage. As far as sexual stuff there is none of that where she goes with other guys. I just prefer that she has the responsibilty of all decision making.

 
At 1:50 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

A lot of the stuff above makes this sound really complicated! It isn't! in traditional male dominated relationships, men had the balance of power, they earnt the cash, they made all the important decisions (at least they thought they did). But this model is out of date. Modern society and the skills that in demand are more subtle and better suited to the female of the species. Men have been trying to adapt for years but physiologically and mentally can't cope. A workload that a woman could cope with in her sleep is beyond most men who have neither the stamina or the mental agility to react in a consistent rational manner when dealing with multiple tasks. This is why depression, health problems and early death are so prevalent amongst the male population. The obvious answer is for women to assume the lead both in society and their relationships. In the Female-led marriage the wife becomes the dominant force in the relationship. the greater analytical, intellectual and communication skills she possesses leave her best placed to make decisions for both her partner and the family as a whole. For this relationship to work the male needs to overcome generations of conditioning and peer pressure and herein lies the biggest problem. Anyone who has ever tried to initiate a female lead relationship will know the issues involved. Any guy who appears to defer to his wife is immediately labelled pussy whipped, strong confident women are labelled bossy or hormonal, often by their own sex. All this must change if society is to move forward. I don't think it is within the power of men to make this happen. Women need to step up and take their rightful place in society. Your time has come. Acknowledge it and move forward.

 
At 5:12 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I am in total agreement . That is why my wife married me! She said the trait she most liked in me is the ability to make changes I needed to make to please her! And what is do wrong about being pussy whipped?!?! I have been for 18 years and love every minute of it!

 
At 1:40 PM, Blogger Mr. McGarckle said...

My Wife LOVES the idea of a Wife-Led-Relationship! She wishes we had started this the day we first started dating. She has always wanted this and so have I but neither of us ever told the other one. It seems we are perfect for eachother in yet aother way.

 
At 10:49 PM, Blogger Norman Seymour said...

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